No More Comfort in the Panic

This last year has been rough for many. For myself, it has been a loss of my only two grandmothers I have and within months. Additionally a roller-coaster of a ride in the first business year out on my own with a few partners. Long story short, I too have had my ups and downs with centering and balance. I know many more that also had the same experience as yet another friend ended his life way too soon during the holidays.

It has been rough.

It is so easy to focus on all this truly negative events and focus on the sorry, the pain, and the regrets. After all, it is part of the grieving process. This year I fell a victim to a lot of that. It spread into my relationships that are here and now, and my work. It is easy to get overwhelmed and fall into bad habits and let your hyper-vigilance of being managing yourself as an addict down.

This last holiday season being around with family and friends I didn’t embrace the positive. I became overwhelmed with loss. Lost mindfulness and balance. It took me acknowledging this for myself and letting all those near me whom I love…in. I opened up more than ever. This week I am surrounded by love and clarity. It has become so easy to let things overwhelm me with others expectations of me, setbacks, disorganization, and create unneeded chaos. As Chester Bennington from Linking Park said in the song Heavy, “I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic.”

Here is the thing. That comfort is not reality. If not adequately dealing with these real emotions the right way, they tend to sneak up on you in the worst ways impacting relationships and moments that could be grand. I would recognize this and only beat myself up more. It is a vicious destructive cycle. Substances seem to be a quick fix but they don’t help the reality of the issues that many try to escape from.

What I have re-learned this last year is that the reality holds the trama as well as salvation from the pain. Family, friends, moments that are indeed grand happen even in our darkest times. When we focus on the panic, we never get to witness these moments.

For me, in 2019 that changes.

I have a loving partner in life, our three pups, loving parents, and my dear sister who is my best friend. And this year I become an Uncle. I go into this year with a large client which will take a lot of work. All this said, there is no longer refuge in the panic. There is simply to much love, joy, and opportunity to let the pain and hurt as a priority. I never believed that a simple change in a date such as New Years is a time needed for resolutions. We should be making resolutions daily. It just so happens these events and timing were around the holidays for me. So for me, here are my commitments and resolutions for 2019:

  1. No more comfort in the panic
  2. No more comfort in chaos
  3. No more comfort in mediocracy
  4. No more comfort in denial
  5. No more comfort in self-pain management
  6. No more comfort in doing this on my own
  7. No more comfort in mean, hurtful self-talk

That is what I commit to purging in 2019 and onward.

  1. More time for my partner
  2. More time for my family
  3. More time for love
  4. More time for order and structure
  5. More time for nature
  6. More time for professional health
  7. More time for personal self-love

That is what I commit to embracing in 2019 and onward.

To that end, I leave you this blog link to reflect a bit more from

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” ~Zen Proverb

As a recovering addict which we know is lifelong. How was your 2018 and how did you navigate the negative to avoid the spiral?

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